


Stay or Go

by GoringWriting



Category: Psych (TV 2006)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, POV Shawn Spencer, Shawn Spencer Whump, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:21:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,783
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23543062
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoringWriting/pseuds/GoringWriting
Summary: Shawn Spencer is terminally ill and he knows just how to tell the people he loves. Don't. Will he change his mind or will he leave them behind.Trigger warning: Terminally ill character
Comments: 4
Kudos: 78





	Stay or Go

It happens shortly after Shawn escapes from Detective Drimmer's sick plan for getting rid of Lassiter and him.

At first he thought he was just sore. He must have been in one majorly uncomfortable position while unconscious. He figures a few days and massage will have him right as rain.

But it doesn't. The spasms, aches and cramps get worse and finally, using a friend of Gus' because he doesn't have health insurance Shawn finds out that he has ALS.

He had said to Dutch the Clutch that there was no way he could pretend to understand what goes through your head when you're terminally ill. He still doesn't. Sure he had heard the diagnosis and sure he knew what it meant. But he can't wrap his head around it.

He finally understands why Dutch wanted to keep this a secret from his family. Just imagining the anguish on his dad's face, all those years spent teaching him to survive anything that could be thrown at him as a kid or a cop and the thing that finally gets him is a disease that no one could stop. 

Gus would be heartbroken. His friend never could handle death well. Which is why Shawn always told him his hamster ran away. To lose his best friend would be too much. 

Jules, she’d be upset. Shawn knows she cares about him, they just haven’t gotten to the point of confessing feelings and now they never will. Shawn isn’t going to offer her something that will only be temporary. 

Lassie would be ecstatic to no longer have to deal with Shawn and his unpredictability and ridiculous antics. 

The decision to not tell them is an easy one. The decision to make sure they never find out is another one.

It’s the first time in his life he’s ever made a plan this far in advance before in his life. He takes pain relief for the muscle soreness and the aches and he continues to solve cases for the SBPD. When he stumbles or slurs or drops things he makes them think it’s part of his vision sequence. 

He goes to physical therapy to strengthen his abilities to move and talk. It had been tough trying to find insurance to cover him but eventually he did. That might have made Gus suspicious but he also knows the man’s first guess wouldn’t be terminal illness. 

When he finds himself having trouble breathing after almost three years of hiding symptoms he knows it’s time for him to leave. Time for him to put his plan into action. He had been saving up for years for this so he would be able to do it. He rents an apartment in Florida. They have an in-patient care facility for when he can no longer take care of himself.

He talks to a lawyer, makes a will and an insurance policy. When he dies his bike goes to Jules, Gus gets his personal possessions and his Dad gets his insurance policy. The lawyer will file everything and handles all the claims with full knowledge and anyone who asks will be told he died in a car accident. 

Then he tells Gus that he got a job in a candy factory down in Florida. He is known for working jobs all over and never staying at one for very long anyway.

Gus is upset that he’s leaving and that he did all this business planning for nothing and that he sunk a bunch of money into it but that’s fine. He didn’t really expect Gus to be happy about it. But his friend will at least have the peace of mind not knowing that Shawn is sick. 

His Dad knows something is up. He knows Shawn never plans his wild excursions out in this much detail. Knows what Shawn’s drunk slurring sounds like and knows this isn’t it. Knows that Shawn has never been a clumsy kid yet now he’s dropping glasses and plates and saying he’s just clumsy? But what else could he do. His Dad would want him to stay there and get treatment and he can’t watch his friends and family watch him die. He won’t let them watch him die. 

Vick wants to know why he’s quitting and Shawn tells her the same thing he told Gus, he has a job in Florida. She buys it. 

Just as he thought Lassie is ecstatic that he is leaving. The usually stoic man throws a party, he's so happy to be rid of him.

Shawn tries not to feel hurt. Lassie is just being Lassie. 

Gus tells Jules before Shawn can so when he returns to the Psych office to clear out his desk she’s there waiting. In the thin moonlight filtering in through the blinds she looks even more beautiful than she does in the sun.

“So it’s true. You’re leaving,” she says.

“Yes,” Shawn says.

“When?” 

“Friday. It’s when the lease on the Psych office ends and the lease for my new apartment begins that Monday. The first of the month," Shawn says.

"Shawn… I think I'm falling in love with you!" She says and Shawn fights down the urge to confess his own feelings. Two years ago, hell two months ago the confession might have gotten him to stay. Now it just shows that he needs to get out of there.

"Jules, you have no idea how much I've wanted to hear you tell me that. How much I've wanted to say the same thing to you. I almost did it when we thought you had caught that virus. Then again in the Movie theater after Yang. But...I can't. My next step is right in front of me."

"What are you saying?"

"I'm saying... we're too late. I'm sorry Jules," Shawn says and watches her leave, tears in her eyes. 

It's better this way. Better that her heart be broken now by what she missed than by what she lost. She'll move on and find someone who she can grow old with and have little Jules with.

He's in the police station to pick up the check for their last case. Half for him for his groceries and half for Gus when Lassie approaches him.

"I know why you're leaving Sp…Shawn," he says.

"Lassie, I'm leaving so that I can work in my own little Wonka Factory. It's like the greatest job ever!" Shawn says. 

"Shawn...I may not be as good at guessing and making an ass of myself as you are but I am a damn good detective. I was in the bathroom one time when you took your pills. I've seen the way your body has been deteriorating. The way your ability to speak is being affected. I've known enough people with stutters to recognize the look of a man employing therapy techniques. And now you're running off to the opposite side of the country. To a state and city with the best care facilities for terminal illness? I am not stupid Spe...Shawn. You're terminally ill," Lassie says.

"I have ALS. I figured if I left then my lawyer would tell you that I died in a car crash or an elevator accident or something else and you would never know. It's better than sitting here and watching Gus, Jules, my dad watch me die. I don't want to watch myself die through their eyes. They deserve better than that."

"They deserve the truth. They deserve your last days, weeks, months, years with you. They deserve you in their life and you deserve them." 

"They don't deserve a friend with an expiration date!"

"What would Dutch the Clutch say? What would his wife say? His son? His team?"

"How…"

"I tracked them down because I know you like him and I wanted to give you something to remember Santa Barbara. I was going to say it was from Jules. They took one look at me and they knew. Knew what I know and they gave me some advice when I said it was you. They told me to tell you to think about what you said to Dutch, to think about it and say it to yourself. He also wanted me to tell you that since he met you his son got married and he even gets to play with his granddaughter everyday. He told me to tell you that wouldn't have happened if not for you.”

“Are you going to tell them?” Shawn asks, looking at the ground thinking about what it is that he said to Dutch, turns the words over in his mind once again. Had staying around really caused all that?

“I will keep your secret. I swear on my badge,” Lassie says.

“Thank you,” Shawn says and he leaves to think things over. It’s not like he hasn’t thought about the words he had spoken to Dutch all that time ago, but now he has more context to add to it and it changes things a little. 

He doesn’t leave. He sticks around and he cancels his lease in Florida and he throws out the information on the care homes there. He keeps Psych open and he sits in the sun as he thinks about how to tell everyone. 

His dad cries, he’s only seen his dad cry once, but when he tells him he watches him break down and it almost changes his mind again but...deep down he knows he couldn’t leave. He’d manage maybe a day or two and then come right back. Santa Barbara is his home and he has to admit getting hugged by his dad feels good. 

His mom’s reaction is similar but over the phone so all he can hear is crying and that’s about it. 

Gus is next, he makes his mom sit on the phone to help calm Gus down if his reaction gets to be a full blown panic attack. 

Gus...his best friend Gus, launches himself across the table and hugs him close. Vowing to make sure he gets the best medication on the market and to keep an ear out for new treatment options. In between sobs that are probably hurting Gus’ ribs.

Chief Vick is a letter as she has now moved to San Francisco.

Jules is the last. She starts crying immediately when he tells her. But says she doesn’t think it’s too late for them to be together. Months later he proposes and she says yes and they get married with all their friends around them.

Shawn won’t be alone for the rest of his days. 

Dutch was right. No matter what he feared, having them in his life is much better.


End file.
